Project Management Jokes (They're Actually Funny)
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there,another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I'll have a C monkey please.” The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed to the customer,saying, “That'll be $5,000.”
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled,the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,”That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much? “The shopkeeper answered, “Ah,that monkey can program in C – very fast,tight code,no bugs,well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. “Hey,that one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh,that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming,Visual C++, even some Java All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the
others put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager”.
Walking on the Beach
A project manager, software engineer, and hardware engineer are in Miami Beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. On their lunch hours, they often chose to walk up and down the beach. During one of these walks, they stumble upon a lamp.
The hardware engineer picks up the lamp and rubs it. A genie appears and says “Normally I would grant 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.”
Since he was holding the lamp, the hardware engineer went first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. “And what would your wish be?” asked the genie. “I want them both back after lunch,” replied the project manager.
Software Development Cycle
- Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
- Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
- Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
- Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
- Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
- Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
- Users find 137 new bugs.
- Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
- Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
- Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
- Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
- New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
- Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…
Types of Project Managers
If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
– ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
– somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
– somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
– A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you.
– dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
– messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all!
– suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
– thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you, I'll get in your way.
– project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
– project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed.
– project manager who is about to get in big trouble
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
– weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager
If I kill me, you'll get your way.
– pragmatic project manager
Kill me, it's the only way.
– every project manager to date