Guaranteed Top Ten Search Engine Rankings

Top 10

One of the common themes you'll hear when talking to reputable SEO agencies or consultants is that no one can promise #1 rankings. Such statements about no guarantees are false though. You see, I can guarantee you a number 1 ranking in Google for almost ANY search term you want. And I can do it without resorting to black hat techniques. The problem is, the ROI for achieving that #1 ranking would probably bankrupt you. Kind of puts a damper on things, doesn't it?

Buy the Whole Kit and Kaboodle

What am I getting at? Well, to guarantee a number one ranking for your chosen keyword, I would simply look at who currently owns the spot and then I'd buy that site. As you can imagine, such a purchase could easily run into the millions of dollars. Hence my comment that the ROI wouldn't justify the purchase. You'd also need to keep a few dollars in reserve to handle the occasional sifts in the top spots i.e. to buy additional sites.

Buy an Authority Site

Much has been said and written recently about authority links and the impact they have on rankings. So if you want a number one ranking, find some authorities in your area of interest and scoop them up. A few authorities may actually cost less than trying to buy whole companies that already rank number 1. Get yourself a solid SEO to help you figure out a way to spread the link love using your new online properties.

One advantage to this approach is you can target many, many keywords. Hmmm… I wonder if the NY Times is up for sale.

Anyone Can Be Bought

A slightly less expensive approach, but possibly more effective is to simply find the right people at Google to bribe. Yeah, a bunch of folks at the ‘plex are rich and don't need more money while still others are above being bribed, but I'm pretty sure someone wouldn't turn down a blank check in exchange for a few algorithm tweaks / hand edits. If you're clever, you'll use the #1 ranking to solidify your position through links and such. Once that's done, you could have the tweak undone to hide your tracks.

Think Long-Term

The law enforcement agency is good at thinking long-term when it comes to infiltrating criminal organizations. You can take this approach too. Hire a bunch of recent graduates to take entry-level engineering jobs at Google; let them eat all of the gourmet food on Google's dime; and wait for them to move up the ranks naturally to a position that puts them in front of the algorithm. Insiders — like those using their knowledge to cleanup with AdSense — can get away with a lot.

Oh and if you want to be particularly devious, have one of your insiders rat out one of your other insiders to give the first insider a boost in credibility. There's a good chance that one insider will want to leave to pursue other interests at some point, so no harm done, right?

Boring, But You Won't Go to Jail

Are the above suggestions too risky? No worries. Pull that invite-only, black American Express card and pay a visit to your favorite SEO's. Buy a majority stake (watcuh out for the VC's who can spot a killing a mile away) in companies that specialize in content creation, website building, link baiting, etc. Don't shake up management and don't bring in consultants to improve processes, just let the companies function the way they have been. They got to the top by doing what they do and don't need you to mess things up.

Still Looking for How to Ranking Number 1?

I'm impressed. You're still reading. It must be a slow day for you. Sadly, there are no real secrets here to help you rank #1. I wrote this post partyl for fun and partly for a reason I'll let you guess.

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9 Comments

  1. Satire at its best! Thanks for the great write/read Marios. ;)

  2. Hey, Marios! Great job; great satire! After discussing #1 positions ad nauseam with several potential clients who simply believe #1 is their birth right -- I'm linking to this on my Blog today!

    Thank you for the enjoyable read! ;-)

  3. @Bailey
    I second that.

    @Marios
    I might take a quote or two and use when someone asks me how can they get to a number one position in the search engines by tomorrow!!!

  4. I appreciated your well written satire, even if other readers were a little low to the ground - it sailed right over their heads! :)

  5. I don't think you're a moron -- but this is rather far-fetched. I would view any of these techniques as VERY risky. BUT kudos to you for thinking out of the box, which is becoming more and more important as we try to stay ahead of the pack.

  6. Marios Alexandrou

    @OMJ Sorry you didn't like the post, but name calling won't get you anywhere.

  7. This post is crap and misleading. #1 place in google, buy the first place? You're a moron.

  8. Hi Marios,

    Your contact form doesn't seem to work. I was just looking to catch up, it's been a while since we worked together.

    Drop me a note.

    Cheers,
    CJ

  9. Long time no post Marios. Welcome back.

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